| help.

Friday, December 31, 2010

寂寞寂寞就好

3:39 PM

All of us are given birth by our mother. A person whom should love you with all her heart. But in some unfortunate cases, mothers decide to give away their children due to many reasons. But the bond is forged at some point of time...

What I am trying to say is that all of us experience love right from the start. It comes from all size and shapes. Admiration, envy, kindness, care, jealousy and even hatred...

I am a person whom emotions ruled over my logical thinkings. I let my feelings take lead. I always yearn for all the wonderful and fanciful things to happen to me. But sometimes, even myself don't get what I want.

I experience love in all kind of ways. Friends who love you for who you are, mother whom can't seems to sleep well when you are out late and your phone can't get through, father who is always too proud to say that he cares when actually he is very much worried about you...

But why do I still feel like I am missing a part of something. Yes, thats the love of your life. Someone who is so special that they will eventually become the most important thing in your life... more important than your own life.

I always think that I will get to know this person at some point of time. But I get more and more wearied as time goes by. It is like this person don't want to meet me at all...

Throughout my 21 years of life, I have never been satisfied with the things that I have. I wanted more every time. But what I really want is a person to be called my own...

I give advices to people regarding their love life. I open up their views, give them comments and let them see the options there are to their problems. It is as though I know all about their troubles. But the truth is, I am just trying to be in their shoe, trying to experience what they are going through and imagine I am them. Because I don't get to be like them... I never experience their problems because I was never in love.

Who am I to even get them advice? Why will they come to me with their problems? Who am I to them? What do they want from me...

I can't remember when was the last time I felt like this... but this doesn't feel good at all. Especially today is the last day of 2010... why do I feel lonelier than ever.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Re-visiting nightmares

8:15 PM

People tend to run away from things that they don't like or things that they are afraid of. It is not common for one to face their fears in the face and try to conquer it. But there are times when people are forced to do so...

I have to book in back to my previous unit since my medic course ended last week. Now, I am feeling really scared and nervous about it. I don't want to go back there... the place looks scary. I can't fall asleep properly at night, I can't let my guard down at any time and I am jittery about all the time. I don't know what is coming up for me, I don't know what I have to do next, I don't know if people changed and I definitely don't know how to calm myself down...

Help me, somebody... I need to feel safe, I need somebody there to tell me it is going to be alright. I need to get back the feeling of feeling good. But where am I suppose to find it?

Why must my life be like that...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Mesmerised by the sun...

10:23 PM

I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning in Tekong... if only I had a camera with me.

Simple things in life such as this beautiful natural phenomenon that everybody take for granted (even me) is always there... what I am trying to say is, just look around us and we can find things that is worth feeling good about.

I stared at the sunrise with my iPod for a moment and I feel so relax and glad to witness it...

If only life can be that relaxing all the time =X

Beware of what you wish for...

10:15 PM

Sometime, when one person want something so much, so desperate, so strongly that when he finally got it... It doesn't always feel good. I know it depends on situation and also base on the things you want to get or wish happened.

For the record, I wanted something to happen so badly that I keep hoping and wishing. I think I lost my integrity at some point in time. I focus so much on wanting the bad things to happen and now I suffer from the sinister and evil feelings.

Well, at least everything is over now... and I can just keep this thing at the back of my head. I believe it will constantly remind me that I am not so perfect afterall...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

there's no me without you

5:13 PM

Been sometime I introduce songs to my blog. Well, here is one that I find really nice. It's by Ashley Tisdale... Me Without You. I find her singing really well in this second album of hers, Guilty Pleasure. Going through all the songs from this album as compared to the previous one, there is a huge improvement in voice and overall quailty of the song. I seems to be enjoying all the songs this time round.

Here's the song that I really like. Dedicated to my Darling... ^^ Muack!

Ashley Tisdale - Me Without You

Lyric

It's just you and me

And there's no one around

Feel like I'm hanging by a thread

It's a long way down

I've been trying to breathe

But I'm fighting for air

I'm at an all time low

With no place to go

But you're always there

When everything falls apart

And it seems like the world

Is crashing at my feet

You like me the best

When I'm a mess

When I'm my own worst enemy

You make me feel beautiful (beautiful)

When I have nothing left to prove

And I can't imagine

How I'd make it through

There's no me without you

No me without you, no no

You hear what I say

When I don't say a word

You are my rising sun

You're the place I run

You know how it hurts

When everything falls apart

And it seems like the world

Is crashing at my feet

You like me the best

When I'm a mess

When I'm my own worst enemy

You make me feel beautiful (beautiful)

When I have nothing left to prove

And I can't imagine

How I'd make it through

There's no me without you

No me without you

There's no me without you

No me without you

And when you say 'baby, it's gonna get better'

I believe you

And I wish that somehow I could see me

The way you do

With my imperfections

You think I'm perfect

When it's not easy

You make it worth it

When everything falls apart

And it seems like the world

Is crashing at my feet

You like me the best

When I'm a mess

When I'm my own worst enemy

You make me feel beautiful (beautiful)

When I have nothing left to prove

And I can't imagine

How I'd make it through

There's no me without you

No me without you, no no

No me without you (no me without you)

No me without you, no no (no me without you), no

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

and here I am still not moving

1:03 AM

Dear you,

"Thinking big but acting small, is the same as thinking small.

Shiver me timbers.

Reading this and nodding in wholehearted agreement, but not doing a little acting "as if your dreams have come true" in the days that follow, is the same as not reading this."

yours sincerely,

More Notes from the Universe

Page 67

*The phrase "Shiver me timbers" is commonly used by pirates meaning "shock" or "sudden surprise," as the wooden masts or timbers of a ship would quake when the ship was hit by a cannonball, or if the ship suddenly ran aground or hit an unsuspecting object.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Life, Dreams and Happiness

3:31 AM

I spent $10 to buy this book "More Notes from the Universe" from the Book Clearance sale outside Plaza Singapura entrance today. It is an interesting book with many easy to read notes about life, dreams and happiness. Don't know what got me to pick up the book and actually flip through the pages. Perhaps the beautiful cover and pages... perhaps by chances I notice it in the mess of books. But I am happy I got it. I will share some of the notes now and then, especially the interesting ones. To start off, I would share this with you all.

Dear you,

"Fear just means you've forgotten how deeply you're loved, how safe you are, and that happiness will return, like you've never known it before. It doesn't change these things."

yours sincerely,

More Notes from the Universe

Page 92

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I wish upon...

12:29 AM

1. HP Pavilion p6098d Home PC ($1999)

2. HTC Touch Diamond 2 ($828)

3. Nikon D90 ($1500)

4. Fred Perry Shoes ($?)

5. Sims 3 ($56.90)

6. Left 4 Dead 2 (Due Nov 17 2009)

7. Sony Playstation 3 ($535)

8. Nintendo Wii ($278)

9. Sony PSP Slim Lite ($285)

Monday, June 15, 2009

Zombies...

1:38 AM

Talking about zombies, I could only remember Left 4 Dead. But Darling introduce me to this song by The Cranberries, Zombie. I thought it would be a "funny" song or just another band song. But no, I find it so emotional as it talks about war and violence... The lead singer is awesome, she has such a unique voice and... well, just listen and you know.

The Cranberries - Zombie

Another head hangs lowly

Child is slowly taken

And the violence causes silence

Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it’s not me

It’s not my family

In your head, in your head

They are fightin’!

With their tanks, and their bombs

And their bombs, and their guns

In your head, in your head

They are cryin!

In your head! In your head!

Zombie! Zombie! Zombie,hey,hey,hey!

What’s in your head, in your head?

Zombie! Zombie! Zombie hey,hey,hey,oh dou, dou, dou,dou dou...

Another mother’s breaking

Heart is taken over.

When the violence causes silence

We must be mistaken.

It’s the same old theme

Since 1916!

In your head, in your head

They’re still fightin’!

With their tanks, and their bombs

And their bombs, and their guns

In your head, in your head!

They are dyin’!

In your head! In your head!

Zombie! Zombie! Zombie,hey, hey,hey

What’s in your head, in your head?

Zombie! Zombie! Zombie hey, hey, hey, hey,oh, oh, oh, oh,oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

dying from the inside...

11:42 PM

Do you know about this feeling...?

Its like when people around you are all happy and lively, while you are the only one who feels sorry for yourself...

You are agonising in your own sorrow.

You are trap within your own hell.

You are seemingly fine... but actually you want to die.

People would ask "How are you? Are you okay?"... It seems as though they care, but seriously the answer they want from you is... "I'm fine."

They would then accept that answer from you and move on... while you are still feeling the same way as before.

What if for a change... you say, "No, I am not okay." How will they react...?

To be honest... I don't know how to describe my feelings. I don't know how to say them out even when people do ask. I don't know how to help myself... how can I let others help me?

Mum ask me why am I so moody? And all I have for her was a slight raise with my eyebrows... I may even fake a smile. So this stop her from asking... stop her from knowing. And she would never really get to know me...

Maybe all I wanted was attention... but when I get them, I don't know how to react to them.

Maybe all I needed was care... but when I get them, I don't know if they are true.

I am so complicated. I know it myself. I was never easy and I never will be.

It is so easy to know what mood do I have. I talk a lot when I am happy but never will make a sound when I am not. But people don't seems to notice that... for some reasons. Probably I get depressed too easily till people can't be bothered to care about me... maybe.

I can't seems to get happy any way... no matter what I focus on, at the end of the day I would still be back to my depressed self. The irritating, problematic and highly emotional self. Sometimes I get so tired of being like this. Even I find myself troublesome to be deal with. So I keep quiet about it. Let myself handle it. And nobody will know what exactly I am feeling. I guess by doing this, people around me will be happier because they can move on with their life without having to focus energy on me... "Just let him be..."

Just be quiet about it... and soon everything will be over.

People don't need to know about it... and they can still be your friends.

Keeping it to myself... and at the end of the day only I suffer.

I am tired of crying...

tired of trying...

and even though I am smiling...

inside of me is dying...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Unlimited craving... Rees' greed

9:40 PM

Jolin Tsai - Butterfly Jolin

Hmmm... I would say luck has been with me these few weeks? Never had I won any lucky draw or things like that before and I won 2 music albums this time. One is from teens and the other is from a website. I won Jolin Tsai's Butterfly Jolin deluxe edition album from teens while The Saturdays new album, Chasing Lights from the website. Kinda cool to actually receive emails saying that you won something.

The Saturdays - Chasing Lights

Does this means lady luck is around me? I want to get a new desktop PC for a while now... but have no luck in convincing my mum to actually let me get one. Hopefully I can find some really good deal tomorrow at the PC Show at Suntec City and I can get one PC soon. This may be the last material thing I wish for before I enlist. Really want to get it... really.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Unconventional Ritual

2:31 AM

"... and I was the mom, Kevin was the dad. Well, because that is what our family looks like so that is all we knew. And now, here we are at Kevin's second wedding and the rules are different and things that we thought to be true turn out not to be. And it seems that when we give up on what was, well, that is when things that we thought improbable or impossible even happens right before your eyes."

----Kitty McCallister

Friday, May 29, 2009

Misplaced

4:34 PM

"We're all born with the ability to fall in love with a person.

But right until the point where you all start to label our relationship, then I know I am so different.

This feeling of inferiority is taught by all of you..."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Serenity Prayer

12:45 AM

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Okay, I am not a Christian of any sorts... but I find this prayer very meaningful... especially these few lines,

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference."

Just find it very nice~

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Heaven's tears

6:12 PM

Until it started raining heavily today, I have no idea how much I miss the rain...

It gets me thinking about things which I have not done or seen and people whom I never get in touch with. Its the feeling you will get when everyday is so routine and monotonous.

But anyway, the rain is beautiful as it clears up the sky. One thing that is missing from the beauty is a rainbow.

Oh well, I didn't to stay home and enjoy watching the rain because I was out with Hwee Ing and Hui Xian. Went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital to have lunch because Hui Xian had an interview going on there~ good luck on receiving the job! After eating the long missed Yong Tau Foo, we went around Novena looking for Strawberry Cheese Cake as Hui Xian want to eat that. In the end we wander off to United Square and still couldn't find anything nice. Just when we are about to get some donuts instead, Hui Xian spotted a shop which her friends talk about, Udder Ice Cream. It is a very interesting ice cream parlour as they sell exotic flavors. Exotic as in rare but not weird. We each get 2 scoops of ice creams, Hui Xian got Strawberry Fields and Tira-Miss-You, Hwee Ing got Green Tea and Rum Rum Raisin and I got Pure Pistachio and Cherry Bomb. Tira-Miss-You taste like Tiramisu but contains Brandy (yes, a type of alcohol drink). Rum Rum Raisin as the name speak for itself, Rum + Raisin. As for Cherry Bomb, it has cherries in it and Cherry Liquor. So all of us have a flavor that has alcohol in them, very interesting and they all taste really good. Now for the pricing... Strawberry Fields, Green Tea and Pure Pistachio are all classic flavors. Rum Rum Raisin is a premium flavor. Tira-Miss-You and Cherry Bomb are connoisseur flavours. So Hui Xian and I paid $6.70 for our combinations and Hwee Ing paid $5.40 for hers. I won't say it is cheap... but to try them once in a while is okay I guess? Lol~ you decide it for yourself. The shop is outside United Square, across the road, along the shop to the underpass to MRT station. Can sure ask me for direction if you are interested.

Well, I hope it rains some more... I love the Heaven's tears...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Star-crossed

8:32 PM

"From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, / a pair of star-cross'd lovers, take their life."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

On new road

7:45 PM

Rees has graduated!

He wants to thank all his friends who have been with him throughout the 3 years of his poly life. It is them that make my graduation possible. Obstacles and challenges... Laughters and sadness... My memory is filled with wonderful things that happened. I love all of you guys and girls... and I will continue loving you all...

Not everyone is in this picture.. but I love everyone in my class.. so much so much.. I am gonna miss you all! Let's go out everytime we can and not forget each other alright!?

*A FANTASTICALLY BIG HUG TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!*

Here's a song for all of you...

We've come so far and we still got so far to go!

(volume may be a little soft)

Lyrics are in the video as well

Hey old friend, let's look back

On the crazy clothes we wore

Ain't it fun to look back

And to see it's all been done before

All those nights together

Are a special memory

And I can't wait for tomorrow

Just as long as you're

dancing next to me

Cause it's so clear

Every year

We get stronger

What's gone is gone

The past is the past

Turn the radio up

And then hit the gas

Cause . . .

I know we've Come So Far

But we've Got So Far To Go

I know the road seems long

But it won't be long 'till it's time to go

So, most days we'll take it fast

And some nights lets take it slow

I know we've Come So Far

But baby

We've Got So Far To Go

Hey old friend, together

Side by side and year by year

The road was filled with twists

and turns

Oh but that's the road that

got us here

Let's move past the bad times

But before those memories fade

Let's forgive but not forget

And learn from the mistakes we made

Cause it's so clear

Every year

We get stronger

So don't give up

Don't say when

And just get back on the road again

Cause . . .

I know we've Come So Far

But we've Got So Far To Go

I know the road seems long

But it won't be long till it's

time to go

So, most days we'll take it fast

And some nights lets take it slow

I know we've Come So Far

Oh but baby, baby

We've Got So Far To Go

Hey old friend come along for the ride

There's plenty of room so jump inside

The highway's rocky every now and then

But it so much better than

where I've been

Just keep movin', at your own speed

Your heart is all the compass

you'll ever need

Let's keep cruisin' the road we're on

'Cause the rear view mirror only shows

what's gone, gone, gone

Cause it's so clear

Every year

We get stronger

So shine that light

Take my hand

And let's dance into tomorrow land

Cause . . .

I know we've Come So Far

But we've Got So Far To Go

I know the road seems long

But it won't be long till it's

time to go

So, most days we'll take it fast

And some nights lets take it slow

I know we've Come So Far

Oh but baby, baby

We've Got So Far To Go

Saturday, May 09, 2009

wtf

5:41 PM

why is my fucking blog post not coming out!? why when it refreshes, some posts can disappear!?

i don't know

1:46 AM

i just wish that you can feel the way i feel... understand what i am feeling and cheer me up a little... just a little...

Sunday, May 03, 2009

You'll find me, time after time

5:09 PM

Ronan Keating's version of Time After Time

His newest album, Songs For My Mother, is out now!

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,

And think of you

Caught up in circles confusion-

Is nothing new

Flashback-warm nights-

Almost left behind

Suitcases of memories,

Time after-

Sometimes you picture me-

I'm walking too far ahead

You're calling to me, I can't hear

What you've said-

Then you say-go slow-

I fall behind-

The second hand unwinds

[Chorus:]

If you're lost you can look-and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you-I'll be waiting

Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has

Turned to gray

Watching through windows-you're wondering

If I'm OK

Secrets stolen from deep inside

The drum beats out of time-

[Chorus:]

If you're lost you can look-and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you-I'll be waiting

Time after time

You said go slow-

I fall behind

The second hand unwinds-

[Chorus:]

If you're lost you can look-and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you-I'll be waiting

Time after time

*this song is for u my darling...

Mindless

1:02 AM

Been a few days since I last blogged... let's see what do I have in mind?

...

....

.....

nothing... =="

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Kisses

11:55 PM

MUACKS!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Missing misses

6:26 PM

Its getting boring day by day...

I need some spice, sugar and everything nice in life!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Just shut up..

11:59 PM

I will do what I have to do, when I have to do, when I want to do and when I have the feeling to do it.