I will always hold on to the 5 words most important in my life...
I Am What I Am
去爱吧，就像不曾受过伤一样
Go ahead and love, like you have never been hurt
跳舞吧，像没有人会欣赏一样
Go ahead and dance, like nobody will appreciate
唱歌吧，像没有人会聆听一样
Go ahead and sing, like nobody will listen
干活吧，像是不需要金钱一样
Go ahead and work, like you don't need the money
生活吧，就像今天是末日一样
Go ahead and live, like there is no tomorrow...
I am afraid...
It hit me hard once again... the cruel REALITY... Have been so out and about for some time. but STILL, i didn't get anything done. Have been telling myself, just be Rees, thats all... But I guess it is always harder to do it than just saying it. Have been putting up a strong front in front of people, being all funny and happy. But I can't help but still feel confuse and unsure when I see and read things happening around me. I need some advice from people with experience... I really do... I can't help but get affected really easily. GOD!! Sometime I wish I am normal...
Because I am really afraid...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Laughing is DANGEROUS!
Okay, today I have had hell of a fun time.. HAHA! Woke up at 7.15am today and realise i still have half an hr more to sleep.. ==" then when i finally get up, I was soooo tired. Drag myself here and there then went to NUS. Went to donate blood for Hwee Ing's group de project. They nid 3 plain tubes from many many people. Okay, so I went to help out la.. Then at first when the nurse help me take the blood ah, she is gentle de... BUT! When the needle go in, no blood come out.. SO, she starts to move the needle deeper inside and move around a bit. It still didn't hurt that much de, cause I think the needle is still in the vein, so there is not much pain except for the uncomfortable feeling. Then things get out of hand when she call over the head nurse there to help... She started taking my hand up and down, left and right la!! Then I see the needle go in and out and got once it pull my skin upwards la... wah... I see already also scare, and most importantly... ITS PAINFUL LA! ==" But after she did all that ah... the blood came out le... PHEW!!!
Then I went up to meet Christle at NUS. The road up there is ever tiring... T.T Okay, the day starts fine when we start filling up the Pipette tips AGAIN. Then Hazel came in and tell us that Rex will be back today. Okay, Rex is a really really nice supervisor to have. He's really kind and caring. And most importantly, he is really entertaining to us... =X He can be really funny at times lor. But he himself didn't know that.. HAHA.. So throughout the morning, we didnt get to do anything cause he is busy with a machine which he wanted to show us. When we are about have lunch, he is still busying with it and talking on the phone. Then we started to joke around la... Make fun of somethings la... At last, i go over and tell him we go have lunch first. Then i thot i sense some irritated-ness... But everything is still alright.. We went to have lunch with Mew Ee and Vanessa. AND something else happens... wahlao... Things just get better and better la. That thing make Christle and me laugh and laugh and laugh lor. We are really really sick la... LOL! Then after lunch, we go back to NUS... We use a comp there to access the internet to look for some info.. The comp ah... IS SUPER SLOW LOR!! EVEN SLOWER THAN MY COMP LA! LoL! Then while looking for information, we joke again. Mirabella says that we are going to need a cover and content page mah. Then i ask her what are we going to put in the content page... She then says, work in progress... Then i ask her, what if ltr OSK ask us say why still work in progress? Guess what she answered... Oh, because Friday is Good Friday. ==" I laugh like hell lar!! I dunno why also!! Just that the way she say it and the timing is all right bah! LOL!! I keep laughing and laughing and laughing till I tears lor... cannot make it... HAHA! Then i say, if she say, so whats the point? I said, you mean u cannot see the point!? The point is Monday is Easter Monday... LOL!!! Okay... This is getting too crappy... HAHAHA
Then afterward, we went back into the lab. We waited and waited and nobody came to us wor!! We just keep talking and reading our Scientific Report and falling asleep... Then still nobody came to us eh... Christle and I start to wonder if Rex is angry with us keep joking and laughing around. Then we started to get scare and think of alot of bad stuff... lol... then finally at 4.45 liddat... Rex came to us and talk like normal. Christle and I stun la... LOL! We feel soooo weird... Then after that, we are like WHEW!! Lucky he is not angry ah... If not we won't know what to do le... Lol. We then decide to not laugh so much... HAHAHA!!
Gotta do more on the literature review that OSK wants lor... finish it and go to sleep le. Cannot tahan le... ZzZzZz
Friday, March 14, 2008
NEW BLOGSKIN
WoooHooo! Finally! Have been wanting to change the blogskin for a long long time! AND I FINALLY DID IT! Well, was sick at home... and have nothing interesting to do... SO I watch some really nice American serial drama, which I don't think you guys will wanna know what it is. BUT anyway, that show started playing Dancing Queen by ABBA at some point of time, which suddenly gave me an idea to make a new blog skin! Cool huh?! I think so too... LoL! Okay, I have had enough of myself trying to be someone else just to be with everybody. I guess this is it! I am making a breakthrough! I am going to be the REAL Rees from now onwards. Acutally I didnt make this desicion just so suddenly... It is because of what happens these past 2 days. I realise something, something I didnt know before, something which can be so strong if i tap into it. That is to be true to myself, and believe in myself. At the end of the day, all it matters is to be yourself! Hahaha, I really hope my EMO days will be over. Maybe I will give myself a day or two in a month to be EMO, but I WILL try to be less EMO. I PROMISE! Well, from the look of my blog and all this crap I am talking about... People with MORE interest in interpersonal relationship or who do cares, or just plain curious about THIS thing, will definitely know what I am talking about... YES! I AM! SO WHAT!? If you think I will stain you of some kind, just back away from me, or get out of my face. You know, I won't be friendly to you if you aren't to me... ^^ *grins...
Well, as for those who still have no idea what I am talking about (are you sure you're that innocent? =="), you can definitely approach me to ask me. OR, you can just google it... I am sure you will find lots of information you need... HAHAHAHA!!
ENLIGHTENMENT
Okay, lets go back to 2 days ago, on Wednesday. The night before, I was researching a little on Pyrosequencer, which is a machine use in finding the variant of different genotypes, or whatever it is. It is part of my Final Year Project. Okay, I admit I did went offtrack a little to play some games on the way. BUT the main point is, I slept at 12. The question here is, is sleeping at 12 LATE? I bet most of you would say, "Hell NO!? Thats so bloody early already! You have no idea how late I slept!" Is that right? LoL... But to my mum, that is bloody hell late for her. Okay, so why did I say all this? Because, I had a terrible headache in the morning. I went out of my room, wash my cup, and sat down beside her in the dining room. The first thing that came out of her mouth was, "Why? Gonna die already lah? Every night play play play until so late! Don't know how to ZI DONG." (I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE 'ZI DONG' THIS 2 WORDS! So please don't say them infront of me.) The first thing that came into my mind is... WHAT THE FUCK LAH! I HAVEN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING AND THERE YOU ARE SCOLDING THE SHIT OUT OF ME ALREADY! FUCK!!! Yea, at that point of time I really think that way. I then question her, you know what time I sleep? Guess what? She say... How I know?! LIDDAT THEN WHAT THE FUCK YOU SAY I PLAY UNTIL SO LATE!? FUCK FUCK FUCK!! ==" Then I super "pek chek" already. I stomp to the toilet, wash up, and stomp out. On my way out, I confronted her for the FIRST time of my life regarding this matter. It is not the first time she say such things. And all the other time I kept quiet about it, but not this time. I said, "When the other people are sick, their mum will ask them whether they are ok and care for them. My mum? Only knows how to blame me for it and scold me for being sick." Tears are welling up my eyes already... I got changed and when I about to go off, she asked, "What illness do you have?" At that point of time, I feel like saying, "LIKE YOU CARE!?" But I did not, I just stomp right out of the door. I as usual go to NUS for attachment. BUT I was tearing up on the bus. When I got to the lobby, I saw Serene there. I think i look horrible then, cause my emotion are drained, my headache has gotten worst and I really felt like a zombie. Everything seems wrong then, and it all added up to my headache.
After leaving NUS, I did not go home. I gotta confess, I feel like running away from home and everything I held responsible then. I thought my whole world is crumbling. I then called Siang Long out, we went to KBox for lunch. I sang my lungs out and gotten even more sick after that. We went to Doby Gaut arcade, and it finally gets to me. I am really really sick then. I felt asleep watch him play. Then I decided to go home and forget about everything else. I try to go to the doctor, but the clinic close at 3pm. I was 30mins late. I reach home, take a bathe and went straight into my room, locking it. My mum was sweeping the floor and changing my bed sheet then, she then gave me the why are you still angry kind of face. It annoys me... to thnk that those things that she said to me, hurt me so much, she can forget about it that easily... I did not went to sleep straight away... The scary part has just started...
I wrote down my thots then, saying, "Why do you have such high hopes for me? I have to be matured in thinkings, I have to know how to take care of myself, I have to "ZI DONG"! Why can't I be stubborn now and then? Why can't I have it my way? Mum & Dad are already old, and I have a brother that worries my parents! I have to take care of my parents, I have to be matured, I can throw tantrum, I cannot afford to fall sick, I cannot let my parents worry about me! I am a SUPERMAN! I WONT GET TIRED! As long as I am using the computer, I am gaming. I can't be doing my research. When you have no idea what I am doing, don't accuse me of doing the bad and wrong things. I MAKE MYSELF SICK PURPOSELY! BECAUSE I DON'T ZI DONG, BU HUI XIANG! I AM IRRITATING! EVERYBODY HATES ME! I know my presence have cause you alot of troubles and problems. So, if possible, I am willing to give the rest of my lifespan to my parents. Because, a person like me should not even exist. I am not normal, I am not obedient, I won't obey you. As a whole, I am a lousy and useless person. I am really sorry to trouble everybody for 19 years. My sincere apologies..."
I still kept this letter, to remind me of how foolish I was then. It seems like a letter of departure to me... But this is not the end! I started crying in my bed, laughing at myself, talking bad about myself, questioning my exisiting. And... I even starts to abuse myself... Okay, I don't want to go into details in this part, so lets move on... This went on for a few hours, crying, laughing, screaming without a voice until I am so tired that I eventually falls asleep. I didn't sleep for long, but I am still very tired... everytime I woke up, I wish I hadn't... This went on for the whole night. I didn't eat anything or drink anything. I am trying to make myself terrible... I thought that only then would have people start noticing me. But yet I want to be left alone... I shut off my phone, cutting off all possible contact to me...
The next morning, I havent felt better due to what I have done to myself... I went to the doctor and complain of my headache. I then started pouring everything out to her. After listening to what I had to say, she diagnose it as Psychogenic Headache, which come from stress and interpersonal relationship. When oneself gave too much pressure on himself resulting in a temporary depression. She then starts to explain things to me slowly and patiently, talking sense into me... She even gave the example of Chicken Little. When nobody believes in you anymore, and even if your little, you still have yourself. And when I mean nobody, that includes your mum... They got their own thinking too, and if thats the way they come across to you, then so be it! You can't do anything about it, she's your mother! The only way to make her SHUT is to say yes to whatever she says, and prove her wrong at the end of the day! Even if she is so damn close to you, there will be times when you still have to fight the war alone! Thats why, I can't afford to lose myself anymore... I have to be myself, to fight for myself and to do that, I must first believe in myself! I am born the way I am, it is nobody fault, definitely not my own. So why not embrace this truth and different person from everybody else instead!? Won't I be a happier person this way? Hahaha...
After the doctor, I went to have lunch on my own at the hawker stall near my house. Then I went home, took my medicine and went straight back to sleep. I have had some good rest, but I must say, the headache haven't gone off yet! Hopefully on Monday, I will be better.
I don't know why but I have a feeling that people will laugh or think I am REALLY REALLY stupid or even dramatic over such a small little thing... I think these people do exist. But anyway, everything I mention above is based on my own true experience... nothing overexaggerated or have any means to get more attention. I just want people to know what I been through so maybe one day when you are experiencing the same thing as I am, you will remember me. There are people experiencing the same thing as you do... I can't fight your war with or for you... But I can and will be there to listen to your pains and problems and finally stand waiting for you at the end, celebrating your victory. And I hope you can do the same for me...
P.S. I am saying this to everybody out there. Be it, my friends, families or total strangers.