| help.

Friday, January 23, 2009

1:02 AM

No... nobody deserves to be lonely.

We all need friends.

I am your friend.

and all of you are mine too.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

10:52 PM

To my Dearest friend,

I don't know how to help you through this dark time of yours and I even wonder should I offer my help. I don't want things to get any worst and relationships to be even more strained than before. You know however many times you tell me that you won't blame me or think it is my fault for things that happens, I won't accept that. Things start to get worst ever since people start getting to know me. When people move closer, just to help me get better, they themselves got hurt in the process. How can I not feel guilty about it?

If you are not there to help me get through the rough times I had the few days, I would still be that sad and depressing guy you first know. You have no idea how much happiness and comfort you gave me... in fact, I can't lose you as a friend now. But every part of me tells me that I am wrong. No matter how much I said about you being like an angel in my darkest time, you won't think it is anything great. Because this thing that you did is felt wrong by so many people. I don't want any of this to happen... never did I expect these to happen too. I am just so naive and childish to think that at the moment in time, I am the weakest and most vulnerable thus should be concerned and helped. But I guess it is my own selfish act and vulnerabilities that leads to everything that is now.

People are always out to look after me and care for me. In the end, they got themselves hurt and scarred.

I am sorry... everybody.
sorry Nicky...

I prayed for you, something which I never did before, to get better and not suffer anymore. I will still be doing this for you every night till you get better...

You are not the one that deserve to be a loner, without friends and given up on relationships...
I am...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

12:04 AM

Now that everything seems clearer and all doubts diminished, Rees is reborn again...

The sky look bluer...
People look happier...
Even the slightest thing make me smile...

It is enough for me now, really.

I have to find a purpose in life... a goal to achieve. So when ever I am lost again, I know how to find my way back to the most important thing in my life.

Rees is back...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

9:20 PM

This will be how I spend my day tomorrow...

11.35am - Australia (165mins) GV Plaza
02.45pm - Rachel Getting Married (113mins) The Cathay
04.55pm - Haunting of Molly Hartley (NIL) GV Plaza
OR
05.00pm - Bedtime Story (100mins) The Cathay (most prob)
OR
05.30pm - Eden Lake (91mins) The Cathay (most prob)

anybody wanna join me...

8:16 PM

The art of the devil on my arm is more obvious today... when the lines darken with blood covering them. Throughout my whole day... I was hiding them under my sleeves and they somehow screamed to be noticed...

My head hurts from the bang on the wall when I desperately needed relieve from the talk with you... Everything is spinning from that moment on, even till now...

The day was a rather dreadful one.

I isolated myself from all those who seems to care. But when I take a closer look, I don't really know... I guess I wanted too much attention but that won't happen when people have happier things to face. I just don't wanna be left alone, but I am making that happen... The more I am with people, the lonelier I get. But when I am alone, there are things which I can't control myself from not doing... it's scary...

I ran with friends during their NAPFA test... and it did not take my mind off anything. I made myself very tired, very giddy and very weak... But I didn't wanna care about my body. The more stress or pressure I gave to it, the better it will be, cause' I am waiting for the day I finally collapsed...

I have lost a lot of my appetite... been eating lesser lately. Everything that I put into my mouth now, feels weird. I even feel like vomiting after every time I ate anything... I don't know what to do.

Just now, when I was taking my bath, I was reminded of the pain when water ran past my wounds. They are like the blades I used, just more gentle, slicing through. When staring at my naked body, the wounds are even more obvious due to my white body. They seems to glow...

I am shutting myself off from people... and it will be really soon I am going to really fall apart.

I lost my heart, my soul and my body... and if I have the courage, I would be gone.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

8:19 PM

Dear Blog,

I cut myself again... I couldn't take myself anymore. The pain is not sharp... just burning. I love the sight of blood seeping through the small holes where the indent are made. It got me excited and send me laughing. I am sick... I am crazy...

This feeling of agony... it is tormenting. I am tired, too tired to be sane.

I laugh
I cry
I scold myself
I hit myself
I stumble
I scream
and I plead for help...

No, I am not alright. I cannot make myself think the right way anymore. Nothing is optimistic, everything is bad. I am thinking too much, so much that

I can't hear myself...
I can't see the light...
I can't feel myself...
I can't understand the truth...
I can't live...

I vomited yesterday and the feeling was horrible. My whole body was shaking, weak and helpless. Wish someone could give me a hug... but there was no one around.

Everything will come to an end today... and I will live like an empty shell from now. I won't believe in myself anymore... there's no hope... no hope.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

12:20 AM

I feel like apologizing for everything,
even for those that I have not done wrong...

and I wanna thank all my friends who try to help,
thanks for trying to lighten my loads when I am crumbling...

sorry for everything that I have done/not done.
thanks for everything that you all have done/not done.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

8:54 PM

Nobody can make you feel the way you don't allow yourself to feel.
But they do play a part in affecting how you will feel.

Rees

Monday, January 05, 2009

5:56 PM

now i dunno wad to do with you...

if you're trying to make me jealous, i guess u succeeded in doing so...

but at the same time, u have succeeded in bringing up another kind of emotion.

hatred?
disappointment?
despair?

waiting... for? what exactly are u waiting for?

i might as well just tell you the truth here...

i want to get back together with you... dont even care if u are the IDEAL partner. Because it doesn't matters anymore. I am nothing without you and my life have been terrible since I lost that title of "Your Boyfriend". I tried holding on to other things. My friends and games and everything else. I even try to get to know other people... but nothing came close to you...

call me helpless and hopeless and desperate... but I am feeling so lost without you. Calling you a "Best Friend" just sound so fake and cliche. That's not us...

I dont know what will happen when you read this but at least you will read it... I know there are too many things for us to overcome if we're to get together again and I am afraid too. I won't gurantee there wont be any conflict again. I know there are some really impossible factors...

So whatever the outcome will be, I will stand by it...

because I know I am a lousy boyfriend... someone not worth getting back to...

Sunday, January 04, 2009

6:28 PM

by reading what u have posted...

seems like u're finding a way back to him again? (or maybe trying to.. or even wanting to..)

hmm.. i can't help but get jealous or... whatever.

i guess its none of my business.

probably should try and move on with my life?

but i don't want to...

Thursday, January 01, 2009

5:45 PM

well, 2009 is here... and here i am feeling all drained and tired. i welcome this new year by staying at home, staring at the tv and feeling hopeless and helpless all the time. i have a strong feeling that this would be a very lousy year, for me at least...

when life starts to get stale and one feel restless for everything..
he won't know what will get him started again..
not something that he don't enjoy previously.. definitely..
and maybe things that he did enjoy before doesn't have the same effect anymore..
at this point of time..
he can only rot with time... until...
he
i dont wanna live my life like this
i hate myself for being who i am
i want something more in my life
but i dunno what is it that i want
somebody help me
please...

5:43 PM

i don't get it..
things are not what it seems to be..
i wonder what do i really wants..
guess i just want somebody..
yet i want to be alone..
contradicting?
not really.....
just being stupid..
just being irritating..
just being rees..