Its like when people around you are all happy and lively, while you are the only one who feels sorry for yourself...
You are agonising in your own sorrow.
You are trap within your own hell.
You are seemingly fine... but actually you want to die.
People would ask "How are you? Are you okay?"... It seems as though they care, but seriously the answer they want from you is... "I'm fine."
They would then accept that answer from you and move on... while you are still feeling the same way as before.
What if for a change... you say, "No, I am not okay." How will they react...?
To be honest... I don't know how to describe my feelings. I don't know how to say them out even when people do ask. I don't know how to help myself... how can I let others help me?
Mum ask me why am I so moody? And all I have for her was a slight raise with my eyebrows... I may even fake a smile. So this stop her from asking... stop her from knowing. And she would never really get to know me...
Maybe all I wanted was attention... but when I get them, I don't know how to react to them.
Maybe all I needed was care... but when I get them, I don't know if they are true.
I am so complicated. I know it myself. I was never easy and I never will be.
It is so easy to know what mood do I have. I talk a lot when I am happy but never will make a sound when I am not. But people don't seems to notice that... for some reasons. Probably I get depressed too easily till people can't be bothered to care about me... maybe.
I can't seems to get happy any way... no matter what I focus on, at the end of the day I would still be back to my depressed self. The irritating, problematic and highly emotional self. Sometimes I get so tired of being like this. Even I find myself troublesome to be deal with. So I keep quiet about it. Let myself handle it. And nobody will know what exactly I am feeling. I guess by doing this, people around me will be happier because they can move on with their life without having to focus energy on me... "Just let him be..."
Just be quiet about it... and soon everything will be over.
People don't need to know about it... and they can still be your friends.
Keeping it to myself... and at the end of the day only I suffer.
I am tired of crying...
tired of trying...
and even though I am smiling...
inside of me is dying...
